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Borowitz

Cheney Calls for International Ban on Torture Reports

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former Vice-President Dick Cheney on Tuesday called upon the nations of the world to “once and for all ban the despicable and heinous practice of publishing torture reports.”

“Like many Americans, I was shocked and disgusted by the Senate Intelligence Committee’s publication of a torture report today,” Cheney said in a prepared statement. “The transparency and honesty found in this report represent a gross violation of our nation’s values.”

“The publication of torture reports is a crime against all of us,” he added. “Not just those of us who have tortured in the past, but every one of us who might want to torture in the future.”

Saying that the Senate’s “horrifying publication” had inspired him to act, he vowed, “As long as I have air to breathe, I will do everything in my power to wipe out the scourge of torture reports from the face of the Earth.”

Cheney concluded his statement by calling for an international conference on the issue of torture reports. “I ask all the great nations of the world to stand up, expose the horrible practice of publishing torture reports, and say, ‘This is not who we are,’ ” Cheney said.

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Cruz: “The Dream of Keeping Poor People from Seeing a Doctor Must Never Die”

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ted-cruz-580.jpegWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Acknowledging that the government shutdown was coming to an end, an emotional Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) took to the Senate floor today to make an impassioned speech, telling his colleagues, “The dream of keeping poor people from seeing a doctor must never die.”

His eyes welling up with tears, Sen. Cruz said, “I embarked on this crusade with a simple goal: to keep affordable health care out of the reach of ordinary, hard-working Americans. And while this battle was lost, that dream—that precious, cherished dream—will live on.”

Reflecting on the government shutdown and near-default that almost touched off a global financial apocalypse, Sen. Cruz said, “We’ll give it another try in a few weeks.”

Sen. Cruz’s closest ally, Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah) also spoke reverently of the shutdown, calling it “the most expensive Civil War reënactment in history.”

“Unfortunately, once again, the wrong side won,” he said.

Over in the House of Representatives, Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) congratulated his colleagues on the deal to resolve the shutdown, telling reporters, “This proves that when we work together, we can come up with a totally unsatisfactory solution to a completely unnecessary crisis.”

But the last word belonged to Sen. Cruz, who ended his emotional speech with a quiet benediction: “Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight noises everywhere.”

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Photograph by Andrew Burton/Getty.

CNN Quits Breaking News, Becomes “CNN Classic”

April 20, 2013

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cnn-desert-storm.jpgNEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In a sweeping format change that marks the end of an era for the nation’s first cable news outlet, CNN announced today that it would no longer air breaking news and would instead re-run news stories of the past “that we know we got right.”The rebranded network, to début nationwide on Monday, will be called “CNN Classic.”

“Breaking news is hard,” said the newly installed CNN chief, Jeff Zucker. “You have to talk to sources, make sure their stories check out O.K., and then get on the air and not say anything stupid. I, for one, am thrilled to be getting out of that horrible business.”

CNN Classic will begin its broadcast day on Monday, Mr. Zucker said, “with round-the-clock coverage of Operation Desert Storm.”

Mr. Zucker did not indicate what impact the new format would have on such CNN stars as Wolf Blitzer, saying only, “I can’t promise that Wolf will be a part of CNN’s future, but he will continue to be a big part of our past.”

The CNN chief scoffed at reports that other cable news outlets had eclipsed his network once and for all, throwing down this gauntlet: “We are going to win May sweeps with Hurricane Katrina.”

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No Information Found on CNN

April 17, 2013

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boro-cnn-580.pngBOSTON (The Borowitz Report)—Authorities who have spent the past forty-eight hours combing CNN in the hopes of finding any information whatsoever have called off their search, they confirmed today.

“After monitoring every minute of CNN’s broadcast since Monday, we have found hearsay, rumors, falsehoods, and a steady stream of inane commentary,” one authority said. “Everything but information.”

The announcement was the second black eye today for CNN, which earlier in the afternoon recanted all of its reporting dating back to mid-2009.

Newly installed CNN chief Jeff Zucker acknowledged that the network had experienced “a rough patch” since he took over earlier this year, but added, “At least no one was watching.”

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Oakland Rapper Pope Emeritus Threatens Lawsuit

February 27, 2013

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borowitz-pope.jpgOAKLAND (The Borowitz Report)—The Vatican’s plan to call the retiring pontiff Benedict XVI “Pope Emeritus” hit a snag today, in the form of a threatened lawsuit by an Oakland-based rapper who has been recording under that name since 2006.

“I don’t care who he is, I ain’t let nobody mess with my brand,” said Mr. Emeritus, who prior to 2006 recorded under the name Notorious P.O.P.E.

While the Vatican said it was unaware that Mr. Emeritus had already claimed the name seven years ago, the Oakland rapper scoffed at that idea: “They should have done what I did before I picked it out: Google it.”

Furious at what he is calling a clear case of trademark infringement, Mr. Emeritus said that he has no intention of stepping aside for the former pontiff: “He’s the one who should step aside. Call himself P. Biddy or something. This is wack, yo.”

According to a source close to the Vatican, Benedict is likely to choose another name for himself rather than risk a legal tussle with the aggrieved rapper: “The last thing the Church needs right now is another lawsuit.”

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Photograph by Franco Origlia/Getty.

Republicans Praise Obama for Offering Bold Vision to Thwart

The Borowitz Report

January 21, 2013
obama-inauguration-borowitz-465.jpgWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Congressional Republicans heaped fulsome praise on President Obama’s second Inaugural Address today, saying that it had given them a detailed list of things to thwart over the next four years.“My big fear was that the speech would be full of vague platitudes that wouldn’t be helpful to us in plotting against him,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). “Once he started offering details of what he actually hoped to accomplish, though, I realized we had hit the mother lode.”

Speaker Boehner praised the President for citing such specifics as hiring math and science teachers, building roads, and reducing health-care costs: “Now that we know that’s what he’s got in mind for his second term, we can hit the ground running to stop him.”

“My takeaway from the speech was, if we work hard enough, there’s nothing we can’t keep him from doing,” he said.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) praised Mr. Obama for injecting humor into a usually somber address: “I loved that joke about ending political name-calling.”

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Photograph: Anthony Behar/AP

Obamas Return to White House as Romneys Return to 1954

November 6, 2012

Posted by Andy Borowitz

borowitz-election-goes-obama.jpg

BOSTON (The Borowitz Report)—America cast its historic vote today, sending Barack and Michelle Obama back to the White House while sending Mitt and Ann Romney back to 1954.

The election meant the end of the road for Mr. Romney, who had been actively seeking the Presidency for the past sixty-five years.

Addressing supporters at the Boston Convention Center, Mr. Romney called his defeat tonight “bittersweet”: “On one hand, I lost the election. But on the other hand, I’ll never have to show anyone my taxes.”

If he had won tonight, Mr. Romney would have become the first man elected President after telling half of the country to screw themselves.

Vice-Presidential nominee Paul Ryan addressed the subject of his defeat in characteristic style, telling supporters that he had won.

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Debate Ends Abruptly as Obama Punches Romney in Face

  • The Borowitz Report
October 22, 2012
Posted by
obama-debate-233.jpgBOCA RATON (The Borowitz Report)—The third and final Presidential debate ended in dramatic fashion tonight as President Obama punched Republican nominee Mitt Romney in the face, knocking him unconscious before a national television audience.

As Mr. Romney lay motionless on the floor at Lynn University with 35:06 remaining in regulation, moderator Bob Schieffer declared the debate over, calling Mr. Obama’s punch “a clean shot.”

The President’s uncharacteristic explosion of anger came after Mr. Romney repeatedly needled him about going on a global “apology tour” on behalf of the U.S.

As the former Massachusetts Governor continued his harangue, TV viewers witnessed Mr. Obama glaring at his Republican opponent, a vein visibly throbbing on the President’s forehead.

Still, few observers were prepared for the sight of Mr. Obama leaping across the table and cold-cocking Mr. Romney, dropping him to the floor.

Moments later, Vice-President Joe Biden jumped onstage to congratulate Mr. Obama with a jubilant high-five.

“You literally cleaned his clock,” Mr. Biden said. “I only wish I’d done the same thing to that punk Ryan.”

After the debate, the usually mild-mannered Obama was at pains to explain why exactly he had struck Mr. Romney in the face: “I guess I just couldn’t take it any more, and I sort of snapped. It wasn’t optimal. But he was being such a dick.”

Minutes after Mr. Romney was carried out on a stretcher, the debate was declared a victory for Mr. Obama by all the major networks except Fox News, who called it a draw.

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Photo by Jewel Samad/AFP

Chinese Workers Hail Romney’s Record as Job Creator

                                 July 14, 2012

Mass Pro-Romney Rally in Beijing

BEIJING (The Borowitz Report) – After a brutal week in which he was booed by the NAACP and grilled by the media, Republican presidential choice Mitt Romney got some support from an unlikely place today: Beijing.

Manufacturing workers from across China flooded downtown Beijing to show their gratitude for Mr. Romney’s robust record of job creation in China while at the helm of the private equity firm Bain Capital.

While Mr. Romney’s feats of outsourcing have taken a political toll at home, they have made him a national hero in China, according to workers like Qiu Huang, who attended the rally.

“I owe my job to Mitt Romney, and so do many of my friends and family members,” he said.  “His record as a job creator, in China at least, is second to none.”

Mr. Qiu said that if Mr. Romney ran for President of China, “he’d win in a landslide – he wouldn’t even need those billionaire brothers to buy ads for him.”

But the Chinese worker was surprised to learn that Mr. Romney had spent the better part of the week denying that he still worked at Bain during the company’s frenzy of outsourcing jobs to China.

“Why would you deny doing a great thing like that?” he asked. “That would be like denying you gave people healthcare.”  Get a free subscription to the Borowitz Report here.

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