June 7, 2012
Desperate Times for Terror Group’s HR Dept.
KARACHI (The Borowitz Report) – President Barack Obama has created one job that is proving difficult to fill: the No. 2 post at al-Qaeda.
That’s what they’re saying at the global terror group, whose Human Resources department has recently turned to the social networking site LinkedIn in hopes of filling the slot.
“It used to be that madmen would just walk through the door hoping for a crack at seventy-two virgins,” says Hassad el-Medfaii, director of HR for al-Qaeda. “Now we have to go looking for these guys, and they all want dental.”
Complicating the terror group’s recruitment efforts for the tricky-to-fill No. 2 position: the recent publicity about President Obama’s so-called “kill list,” which the HR director calls “a big turn-off for a lot of applicants.”
“I’ve had to sit down with them and tell them that the kill list has been totally overblown,” he says. “No one’s talking about the list of all the people they’ve missed. It’s way longer.”
Mr. el-Medfaii says that he has spent a lot of time on LinkedIn over the last week “trying to spread the good news about working for al-Qaeda.”
“This is a great job for anyone who likes to travel, especially back and forth between Pakistan and Afghanistan,” he says. “Plus – and I’m really trying to get the word out about this – we have one of the biggest caches of porn in the world.”
While he says that he has found some “promising candidates” on LinkedIn for the No. 2 position at al-Qaeda, he and his staff are taking extra care in vetting resumes.
“We don’t want to find ourselves in the same kind of mess Yahoo is in,” he says. Get a free subscription to the Borowitz Report here.