November 30th, 2010 10:22 AM
251,287 secret State Department cables, released into the public domain by Wikileaks! You’d think this amazing treasure trove of inside dope would prompt the media to ask some real questions. But so far, the likes of the New York Times and CNN have shown no interest in delving into obvious subjects like these:
1. Is Hillary Clinton building a secret army of Ban Ki-moon clones?
A July, 2009 cable signed “CLINTON” demands “biometric information” on Ban Ki-moon, the Secretary-General of the United Nations. We know from other cables that these kinds of requests included facial scans and DNA.
I don’t think I’m the only person who’s noticed a certain glint in Hillary’s eye — the kind of glint that says “I’d like to command a gigantic army of clones.” The real question here may be why Hillary decided to clone Ban Ki-moon specifically. Would she want a bunch of copies of any UN Secretary-General? Or, perhaps, is she simply looking to clone a kindly middle-aged Korean man, and he happened to be available?
2. Do the King of Saudi Arabia and Glenn Beck share a speechwriter with Saddam Hussein?
According to the cables, Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah, the world’s 5th worst dictator, has repeatedly urged the U.S. to attack Iran in order “to cut off the head of the snake.” Saddam Hussein used to refer to the Iranian government as “Khomeyniite snakes.” And Glenn Beck has said we need to “pop the head of the snake in Iran.”
Is this snake fixation a strange coincidence? Or have Abdullah and Glenn Beck hired the same guy who used to write Saddam’s stuff? If so, this person needs to stop recycling their material and come up with something fresher.
3. Why are Iranians so unbelievably paranoid?
According to a 2007 cable, the head of the Israeli Mossad said they wanted U.S. help to “Force Regime Change” in Iran, “possibly with the support of student democracy movements, and ethnic groups.”
Now, this is just good neighborly relations. If during the Cold War the Soviet Union had tried to get students, African Americans and Latinos to overthrow the U.S. government, we wouldn’t have complained. In fact, we would have complimented them on their initiative. But our side tries one little coup (well, actually this would be our second in Iran) and the Iranians won’t stop screaming about it! This leads to the next question:
4. Are Iranians a completely different species from Americans?
A cable from 1979 makes a good case that Iranians are so different from us here in the U.S. of A. that they maybe shouldn’t even be classified as people. For instance:
“…the single dominant aspect of the Persian psyche is an overriding egoism…The practical effect of it is an almost total Persian preoccupation with self and leaves little room for understanding points of view other than one’s own.”
You see? As humble Americans, who spend every second of every day trying our best to look at things from other people’s points of view, we’re so completely different we’ll probably never be able to comprehend the Persian Mind.
Then there’s this:
“…the idea that Iranian behavior has consequences on the perception of Iran in the U.S. or that this perception is somehow related to American policies regarding Iran. This same quality also helps explain Persian aversion to accepting responsibility for one’s own actions.”
Again, the difference is like night and day — we Americans all understand completely that our dozens of wars have made a big chunk of the world hate us, we know that’s why they act the way they do toward us, and we blame ourselves for it. I’m sorry if you don’t understand that, Iran, but that’s just the way we roll.
5. When did the U.S. government decide to buy keyboards that WEREN’T ALL UPPER CASE?
For a long time, all U.S. cables were ALL IN UPPER CASE. This made it seem as though our diplomats WERE BOLD AND FILLED WITH SO MUCH CONFIDENCE THAT THEY YELLED ALL DAY LONG. Unfortunately, at some point this changed, and the cables became filled with puny lower-case letters. WE MUST FIND OUT WHO DID THIS, AND INVESTIGATE WHETHER IT WAS A PLOT TO WEAKEN US FROM WITHIN.
IN THE MEANTIME, I ADVISE ALL MY FELLOW AMERICANS TO HIT THE CAPS LOCK, ESPECIALLY WHEN TALKING TO FOREIGNERS. THEY WILL RESPECT THIS AS A SHOW OF STRENGTH.
THAT IS ALL. (Oh, and can we just bomb Iran and get it over with? I’m tired of the tease! We’ve already crapped up Iraq and Afghanistan — what about the country located between them? They need a good ol’ American… shellacking.)